Last summer, at the request of several of my clients, I co-created and taught a class on how to help you and your child get more sleep with Bernadette Noll
Here are some of the thoughts I shared…
The key to healthy sleep habits is CALMING – You and your child
Your goal at bedtime is to help your child’s brain shift from an awake state to a calm state. How?
Activating the calming brain chemicals – oxytocin and melatonin. How?
1) Resource yourself so your brain is communicating that it’s safe to calm down. This means taking a moment or two before bedtime to fill your own cup so that you are able to be present with your baby or child while they are preparing to separate from you for the night.
2) Create a soothing routine for the child
Why?
“If stress chemicals are being strongly activated in your own brain, you can’t expect to bring your child down from an arousal state. Your tone is everything, and if you are tense, uptight or irritated, or angry your attempts to be calm will be false ones. All too easily, your stress and anger can activate the alarm systems in your child’s brain, making him feel too unsafe to go to sleep. On the other hand if your brain is strongly activating opiods, and your voice is gentle, quiet and soothing, this can be deeply reassuring for your child and he is more likely to respond to you.” – From The Science of Parenting
Stay present and connected through the process. Your child will feel it if you are trying to disconnect before she feels like she’s had a chance to fully connect with you in order to calm down enough to fall asleep.
How can I activate my child’s calming brain chemicals?
- Create an atmosphere of peace and safety – dim lights
- Make bedtime as spacious as you can – try not to be rushed
- Create a bedtime routine that works for you and stick to it
- Keep it moving but stay connected
- Create a mantra or affirmation about feeling safe and secure and ready to sleep
- Create bedtime rituals that are about connection – gratitudes, sending love, special kisses, etc.
- Tell the story of the day with a slow, melodic, quiet voice
- Snuggle up and read stories
- Lay with your child and quietly breathe or meditate – imagine that you are turning down your internal volume knob
What to be mindful of during the day?
- Exercise is key — If a child has extra energy to burn it will be hard to settle for sleep
- Lots of fresh air and natural daylight
- Eating a relatively balanced diet – try to avoid protein two hours before bed and definitely limit sugar. A Carby snack like a banana is a good pre-bed option
- Be open and available to some good hard meltdowns. The emotional release during the day can help children sleep better and longer at night
- Try to fill your own cup up throughout the day so you are not insanely depleted at bedtime
Some things to consider when making changes in the sleep routine…
- Ask yourself: “Why are we doing it?” Because you need it to change or others think/say you should?
- Acknowledge and examine any ambivalence you might hold before you begin to create any real change.
- The commitment to change must be made before you embark.
- Decide on the outcome you want: really imagine it happening, visualize it. If you can’t see it and feel it, it’s probably not time. If you can, write about it, talk about it, share it with your child, make it a part of your life.
- Talk to your child about the change; don’t just start without informing the child.
- Look at life and what is coming up: make sure you are in a position /place to settle into making the necessary change in a slow and mindful manner
- Determine how long you are willing/able to give it before you change the plan.
- Continuously assess and ask: is this working for us?
- If it’s not time to make any change, you can still be planting the seeds by creating and stating affirmations of where you want to go.
- No matter what you decide to do or which phase you are in in the process, appreciate where you are. Grateful presence for the moment you are in.
- Trust that this too shall pass. All of the hundreds of children I’ve watched grow up, even the most challenging sleeper, do indeed sleep through the night one day.
Here are some questions to ask yourself before embarking on making changes around sleep…
What is the most challenging part about bedtime/sleep for me right now as a parent?
What was bedtime/sleep like for me as a child?
What do I want bedtime/sleep to feel like?
How do I want bedtime/sleep to look like?
What’s currently working for us around sleep? (remember, what you appreciate appreciates so focus on what is actually working)
